Possibilities

My wise calendar told me this month:

Possibilities are the buttons of the spirit...they hold together our dreams.

Well, that really struck me. I need something to hold together my dreams right now. So I made myself a jar full of buttons to remind me of the possibilities.

Here's to 2015 and a world full of possibilities! What are your dreams for next year?

P.S. There is still time to enter my big giveaway. Four signed books, a $10 Amazon card, and homemade toffee!

Letting Go~Moving On~Starting Over

I have two calendars. One in my bedroom and one in my writing room. They both have pretty artwork and inspirational sayings each month.

This month my bedroom calendar told me to Trust My Heart.

My writing room calendar taught Live then or now. It's impossible to be in two places at once.

As soon as I saw those, I knew this month would be a meaningful one. (As opposed to September's really lame sayings which told me nothing...) I started the month trying to write a steampunk space opera Christmas story. Sounds fun, huh? I thought it would be, but about 5 pages into it, it just wasn't speaking to me. I trusted my heart and let it go. I was feeling a little bad, because I have given a Christmas story to my family and friends for Christmas for 19 years, and it looked like it wasn't going to happen this year.

The next day I was broadsided with a new idea. Rarely have I been hit so hard with an idea that I just couldn't wait to write. I was (and still am) a bit nervous because this is a much more character driven story than what I usually write. Also, it's coming out in a much more literary style. And it's not technically a Christmas story. But I am trusting my heart and writing it.

Or at least, I want to. I am having the hardest time actually sitting down to write! This is writer's block like I have never experienced before. The story is ready. I know what happens all the way through. I'm excited about it. But when I sit down to write, I just...can't. I have made a little progress. I am probably half-way through it. That's great, but I still can't find it in me to give more than a minimal effort to writing each day. It frustrates me.

But this weekend my heart told me something else. Remember the second bit of calendar wisdom? Yes. It has become clear that I must stop dwelling on the past. It's time to let go of the dream that didn't come to pass. It's time to move on. It's time to start over.

So.

I unpublished my books. All but the one I don't hold the rights to.

Was it hard? Yes.
Does it hurt? Yes.
Am I sad? Yes I am.

But I learned reading this post yesterday, that sometimes you have to let go of things you love in order to move forward.

So, I am. I am letting go. I am trusting my heart. I am living now and not then. I am starting over fresh. And I hope that someday, when the grief fades a little, I'll find out I've been living my dreams all along.

I still have a lot of stories left to tell, and I hope by letting go of what wasn't working, I'll be better able to tell them.

Doubt, Decisions, and Broken Dreams

Please forgive me for this long and painfully honest blog post. I have a personal policy of being only positive on the internet, but there are some things I need to get off my chest. Feelings I need to acknowledge so I can work through them. So please bear with me. (Or if you don't want to read it, that's fine too.)

Two years ago, my first novel was published. Hooray! I cried and jumped for joy. I celebrated, and I was right do so.

But...

My gradually that dream come true turned into a soul-crushing defeat. I won't go into all the reasons. Maybe my expectations were too high. I don't know. The fact of the matter is that I have no more hopes or dreams.* I can't bring myself to hope or to dream. It hurts too much.

I have spent months telling myself I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't be discouraged. I should persevere and be positive. And I really believe that. But the fact remains that my heart is broken. I am grieving and I need to allow myself to do so.

I am just beginning to realize that I want two different things.

I want to write books.

To be specific, I want to write the books that speak to my soul. I want to write books about my own people and my own worldview and everything I find exciting and wonderful.

I also want to sell books.

A story does not live until it is shared with someone else. I don't need to make a lot of money. I don't need to be a best seller. But I need something. I need enough to feel I am not just wasting my time. And right now, I don't have that.

You might think these two things are compatible, but in my case they are not.

I feel I must make a choice.

I can keep writing what I long to write and give up on the hope of selling many books or being profitable. 

Or

I can write different books that I know will sell better.

Or

I can retire.** (That sounds so much better than giving up, doesn't it.)

I have loads of reasons, both good and bad, for making any one of these decisions. I'm honestly not sure which way I will go. I do know one thing, though. Retiring is the only option if I can't find a way to hope and dream again. Believe me, I am trying. I am plodding forward without hope, in the hopes that hope will return. :)

*This pertains only to writing. I have many hopes and dreams in other aspects of my life that bring me great joy.

**For the record, I intend to finish the Defenders of the Covenant series. The last book is out with beta readers, so I will definitely carry that through to the end.

The Hard Way

I wanted to write a novel in a hundred days.

I started in December, oh about sixty days ago.

So, I am 60% through the novel?

Um, no.

I'm not even a quarter of the way through the novel yet.

But I have learned something.

I can't change my whole writing technique overnight. I really thought with a good helping of determination, and cheering on from my friends, I could just sit down and write 1000 words a day. No problem. Guess what? I can't. At least not consistently.

It's tempting to beat myself up about this. Tell myself how lazy and horrible I must be. But that's not helpful. Besides, it has nothing to do with laziness. It has to do with changing ingrained habits and learning to turn off (or at least turn down) the inner editor. It's not as easy as I thought.

Instead I have adjusted my goals to allow time for change. For now, I just want to write a little more each week than I did the week before. For January, this worked pretty well. I went from 7.5 pages the first week to 10.5 pages, to 13 pages, to 19 pages. Not bad.

Last week totally kicked me in the teeth with a rotten illness, but I still managed 11 pages. Considering how bad I felt, I counted it as a victory.

This week? Well, I'm ready to take it on!

And you know something? I'm still going to have this novel finished way faster than I've ever finished before, even if it's not as fast as I'd hoped.

Happy 2013!

Hey everyone! Sorry for the long, unintentional hiatus there. Holidays, traveling, and pneumonia threw me for a loop there for a while. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Years. I didn't write as much as I was hoping for, but instead of beating myself up about it, I'm just going to move forward from here. I have high hopes that I can train myself to consistently write 1000 words a day and get this novel done in a few months instead of over a year. I'm not there yet, but I think that is because it's such a change for me. I'm not going to be able to do it overnight. I was reminded of this quote from Dieter F. Uchtdorf yesterday, and it seems particularly appropriate.

Let us resolve to follow the Savior and work with diligence to become the person we were designed to become. Let us listen to and obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit. As we do so, Heavenly Father will reveal to us things we never knew about ourselves. He will illuminate the path ahead and open our eyes to see our unknown and perhaps unimagined talents. The more we devote ourselves to the pursuit of holiness and happiness, the less likely we will be on a path to regrets. The more we rely on the Savior’s grace, the more we will feel that we are on the track our Father in Heaven has intended for us.

So, what are your hopes and dreams for this year? What do you want to become in 2013?

Be sure to watch for my interview with short story contest winner, Almiria Wilhelm, and for her story "The Favourite," which will be coming in a couple of weeks! 

In Print!

E-books are marvelous, but there's nothing like having a print copy of your own book to hold in your hands.

All my books in print!

Last year at this time, only Stolen Christmas was in print! Wow. What a great year.

And guess what? There will be more coming next year! Woohhoo!

I spent some time remodeling my website yesterday. Stop by and let me know what you think.

So, what were you're biggest achievements this year?

An Awesome Achievement

At a signing last weekend, I talked to a fellow writer about the novel he had written and what he was trying to do to get it published. I told him, "That's awesome."

He said, "When I'm sitting where you are, then it will be awesome."

I told him he was wrong. Yes, it is awesome to have your book published. It is great to be able to go out and do signings and stuff. But finishing a novel at all is one awesome achievement! Heck, starting a novel at all is one awesome achievement!

So, published or not, be sure to give yourself credit for what you have accomplished.

Yesterday, I finished my third novel, Shattered Skies. I know there is more work ahead with revisions and such, but the story is out of my head and onto paper, and that feels absolutely wonderful! I think I get more satisfaction from finishing a project than from anything else I do. I'm going to reward myself with a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory caramel apple. Mmmmm. Heavenly!

I think no matter what happens with the book after this, the fact that I wrote it, I finished it, is something I can always be proud of.

Where do you find your greatest satisfaction from writing? (Not counting getting published.)

Some Things I Like

My table at Costco

No doubt about it. These Costco signings are kind of rough, at least time-wise. I miss being with my family. But there a lot of things I have really enjoyed about it, too. I felt so nervous about talking to strangers, but it has actually been fun. Especially when I get to talk about my book. =) I love when people smile and say thank you when I hand them a bookmark. It makes me chuckle inside when they ask, "Are you the author?" No, I'm just standing here selling this book for fun... I love the way people's eyes light up when I say, "It's an LDS science fiction adventure novel." And they answer, "Really? That sounds cool!" Then I blow a virtual raspberry at everyone who told me there was no market for that. Teehee. I also love, love, love people watching, so I never feel bored during the slow times. There's always someone interesting to observe. Overall, it's been a good experience. I'm glad, because I have a lot more of the Costco signings coming up!

Another thing I like--my son told me a friend of his is using my book for his Honor's English book project. That made me happy. I think I've always had a secret dream of being someone's book project. Hooray for silly dreams come true!

So, what are you doing this week to make your dreams come true?

The Best Moment

My books arrived on my doorstep yesterday. It was perhaps one of the sweetest moments of my life!

The books!

The culmination of years of writing, waiting, hoping, dreaming, persevering finally arrived, and, yeah, I totally cried. No one was home but my darling four year old, who just didn't get it, so I called my best friend, Suzette, to whom the book is dedicated and told her to come over and get one!

Suzette and Me with the first signed copy!

My first signed book! It's only appropriate that it should go to her, since she is a huge part of the reason this actually came to pass. Thanks, Suzy! I love you.

Then I called my husband and cried on the phone to him for a few minutes. =)

It was really a sweet day!

A Wish For 2012

You know I'm a big believer in goals. I have a goal for this month to write at least 50 pages. After losing all writing momentum in December I really need something to get  me moving again.

But goals are nothing without the motivation to achieve them. I believe that motivation comes from what you wish for. What you dream about. What you want so badly you'd do anything for it.

So, instead of talking about New Year's Resolutions, I'm asking you to make a wish instead. I think the reason we fail at resolutions is because we don't really care enough to make them work. But if we wish for something, wish for it with all our hearts, then we do what it takes to make it happen.

What is your wish in 2012? Do you wish to see yourself on the NYT Bestseller List? To get an agent? To finish a book? To start one?

Take a minute and think about what you really wish for this year. Write it down and keep it where you'll see it often. Believe that you can have your wish.

Then set some goals that will bring you closer to your wish. Hopefully, with your dearest wish in mind, the goals will be easier to keep.

My wish for 2012? I wish to get two books published this year. I know one of them will be, but I'd like to get the second book out there this year too.

That's my wish. What's yours?

I hope 2012 is the year when your wishes come true!

I Did It!

Almost two years ago, I set a Big Goal for myself. If you don't remember, it was this:

Within two years (by Nov. 2011), I will have a novel published or at least have a contract. Also, I will be presenting at a local writing conference.

Well, check this out.

 

Yep. That's me signing my book contract with Walnut Springs! And guess what? My sci-fi adventure novel, tentatively titled Defenders of the Covenant, will be out by November!

So, with my presenting at LTUE and CONduit, that big goal?

ACCOMPLISHED!

*throws confetti*

See? Dreams really do come true. And if I can do it, you can do it too!

(P.S. Come and check out my Author Page on Facebook! I'll have a new website coming soon too, so watch for that. And thank you, thank you, thank you for all your awesome support. I couldn't have done this without you.)

Dreams in my Pocket

I've been writing for a long time. A really long time. Like almost-half-my-life kind of long. But for many of those years, I carried my dreams around in my pocket. I knew they were there. I often reached in and held onto them. I kept them safe and cherished. But I didn't get them out. I didn't let them see the sun. I didn't share them except with a select few. There were circumstances in my life that prevented me from doing so. I didn't give them up,  but I kept them in my pocket. There, but out of sight. Waiting.

Illustration by Dana K.

Now things have changed. It's time to pull those dreams out of my pocket and set them free. And you know what? Those dear little dreams are starting to take flight. It's wonderful and scary too. What will happen to them? Where will they end up?

I don't know. I just feel so grateful that I've finally taken the chance and pulled my dreams out of my pocket and cast them into the sky.

Over the Rainbow...

Where the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. *cue Judy Garland*

I've been practicing "Over the Rainbow" with my women's choir, and that phrase really jumped out at me. Especially in light of my own dream-come-true moment this past weekend.

LTUE rocked! I had the time of my life. Seriously. What a fantastic conference it is every year.

When I first arrived, I was nervous about being on panels for the first time. Would I know what to say? Would I sound like an idiot? Would the organizers politely ask me to leave and not do any future panels? Two people put me at ease right away, though. Sandra Tayler and Paul Genesse, both of whom I had just met in person for the first time, gave me some great advice and reassurance. Thank you both, Sandra and Paul! You made a big difference for me.

My panels went great (I'll do posts on each one later), and I learned that I LOVE sitting in front of a room full of people and talking about writing. It was seriously fun! So, my dream of sitting up in the front with the big boys was even better than I imagined it would be.

Considering the number of people who were there, I am totally counting this as the fulfillment of the "present at a conference" half of my Big Goal. I hope I get many more opportunities to do so in the future.