Here's a dialogue scene from my WIP, The Ransomed Returning. Enjoy!
Paul's heart was still pounding like a jack hammer when the shuttle departed for Earth. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the seat and tried to slow his breathing.
"Are you okay?" Tim said. "What happened back there?"
"Nothing." He didn't open his eyes.
"Did you kiss her?"
"No."
"You're kidding. Why not?"
Because I wouldn't have stopped. He wasn't about to say that. He kept silent.
"You really ought to marry her," Tim said.
"Believe me; I'd do it in a heartbeat if she'd wanted to."
"She wants to. Why else would she send for you when she could have contacted her bishop or your refuge bishop or her home teachers or a hundred other people?"
"We're old friends."
"Yeah? Well, I saw her watching you while you were asleep. It wasn't a 'we're old friends' kind of look."
"Hmph. I already asked her once, you know. She turned me down flat. I'm not ready to repeat that humiliation." Although remembering how it felt to hold her, he thought he might risk it anyway—beg for her like a complete fool.
"What are you going to tell Lily?"
Lily? Paul groaned. He hadn't thought about her. He didn't know where he stood with her anyway.
"Do I have to tell Lily anything? Maybe I should just keep my options open."
"Oh, that's nice," Tim said. He sounded angry. Paul sat up and looked at him. He looked angry, too. How odd. "So, you're saying, 'I'm in love with someone else, but I'll keep you around in case that doesn't work out'?"
"That's not what I meant."
Tim scowled and turned away.
"What's wrong? Why do you even care?" Then all at once he understood. "Good heavens, Tim. Why did you even introduce me to Lily if you felt that way about her?"
"I don't know." He turned around again. "I didn't think she'd be interested in me. I'm too tall and, well, goofy."
Paul sighed. If his love life got any more complicated, his head might explode. "You know what, Tim? She's all yours. As of this minute, I'm taking a vow of celibacy."
Tim snorted. "Good luck keeping that one."
26 comments:
Great guy conversation! I have so much trouble writing with a guy's voice, but you do it wonderfully here. :)
Great dialog scene! I liked the crisp way it read, with just enough action and description to lead me from character to character. The sparse use of dialog tags kept the pace moving at the perfect speed.
LOL
Fun scene. Thanks for sharing!
Very cool. (= Great exchange.
Makes me want to see more!
http://jostorm.blogspot.com/
Love it! Is this from the bootcamp WIP? I thought you did a great job of capturing a guy conversation. :)
Yep. It's the same WIP, Shallee. Thank you all!
Hee hee. Great dialogue Angie! I wonder how it turns out.
Angie, I loved these two guys and their conversation. Just enough is revealed to make the story clear, while keeping the dialogue crisp. I want to read more, please.
Loved the back and forth between these two. Great scene! :)
I love this! I want to know more. The term "refuge bishop" really hooked me. I want to know what's going on!
Please, ma'am. May I have some more.
Lol, loved this. I adore guy-guy banter. And the last line was greatness.
Thanks for participating!
Hmm, they're in space?
I need to know why Lily is so special. It's kind of like they want her, but they don't, and they both kinda make me want to slap them.
Nice dialog, nice job not using tags, but it was easy to follow.
Ohhh, just the kind of dialog I love. No tags, sparse setting/movement. Perfect.
And, I loved the characters and story line to boot :)
I was SO not expecting the first line! This is a really fun scene and I liked the fact that you didn't use many tags. It flows really well.
Great dialogue here, I really like these two guys already. And you did such a fantastic job writing from a male POV. Very nice!
Awww, I love this! I wish I knew what the blogfest was about, the "lets talk" intimidated me so I didn't go check it out. Shame on me, shame, shame!!!
Great dialogue, Angie! :)
I love it. At first I thought it seemed like a lot of "talk" for guys - until then end. He was hounding the guy because he liked the girl. Nice.
This was great! Guy talk at its best. :-)
Love it, Angie! I didn't have any context as to who, what, where they were at the outset, but I still "got" it. Great dialogue!
Thanks so much for the comments everyone! They make me happy. Jewel, I tried to pick a scene that would still make sense and be fun to read even out of context. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again, all!
Ditto to everyone. This was a great scene. clean, clear and flowed nicely.
I enjoyed it.
This was really fun banter-- it moved quickly and cleanly! Well done!
Really good--all dialogue, yet it conveys so much about the characters. Nice pacing.
Nice exchange. Just enough description and inner thoughts to keep the pacing strong but not too fast. I'm left wondering how it all turns out, which means you did your job well.
Good dialogue that kept me interested, though if it were my own work, I'd have broken up some of the dialogue to keep it from moving too fast, and would give some background setting more than just being on a shuttle departing for Earth. Are they the only two on the shuttle, for example?
Men of God fighting over Women of Flesh? Interesting concept (if I got the bishop reference right).
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