I have two calendars. One in my bedroom and one in my writing room. They both have pretty artwork and inspirational sayings each month.
This month my bedroom calendar told me to Trust My Heart.
My writing room calendar taught Live then or now. It's impossible to be in two places at once.
As soon as I saw those, I knew this month would be a meaningful one. (As opposed to September's really lame sayings which told me nothing...) I started the month trying to write a steampunk space opera Christmas story. Sounds fun, huh? I thought it would be, but about 5 pages into it, it just wasn't speaking to me. I trusted my heart and let it go. I was feeling a little bad, because I have given a Christmas story to my family and friends for Christmas for 19 years, and it looked like it wasn't going to happen this year.
The next day I was broadsided with a new idea. Rarely have I been hit so hard with an idea that I just couldn't wait to write. I was (and still am) a bit nervous because this is a much more character driven story than what I usually write. Also, it's coming out in a much more literary style. And it's not technically a Christmas story. But I am trusting my heart and writing it.
Or at least, I want to. I am having the hardest time actually sitting down to write! This is writer's block like I have never experienced before. The story is ready. I know what happens all the way through. I'm excited about it. But when I sit down to write, I just...can't. I have made a little progress. I am probably half-way through it. That's great, but I still can't find it in me to give more than a minimal effort to writing each day. It frustrates me.
But this weekend my heart told me something else. Remember the second bit of calendar wisdom? Yes. It has become clear that I must stop dwelling on the past. It's time to let go of the dream that didn't come to pass. It's time to move on. It's time to start over.
I unpublished my books. All but the one I don't hold the rights to.
Was it hard? Yes.
Does it hurt? Yes.
Am I sad? Yes I am.
But I learned reading this post yesterday, that sometimes you have to let go of things you love in order to move forward.
So, I am. I am letting go. I am trusting my heart. I am living now and not then. I am starting over fresh. And I hope that someday, when the grief fades a little, I'll find out I've been living my dreams all along.
I still have a lot of stories left to tell, and I hope by letting go of what wasn't working, I'll be better able to tell them.